Finding light in darkness
Mumma I hear you, as a first time mum myself, I felt the longing for me time, for moments to have my body back, to have simple yet spacious moments back, my sleep back and most importantly my vitality back.
To my previous self, what I have witnessed…
In the midst of constant change in this new role and responsibility, was demonstrating; commitment, fierce love, survival mode, ecstatic bliss, expansion of heart-filled joy, a love like no other, and deep growth of my self as a woman, on all levels. I also felt the loss, the grief, the loneliness, the anxiousness, the gripping of vitality, and the constant searching for answers, answers for every-little-thing. The who am I? Why am I showing up like a grumpy, weak, numb, zombie-like, vulnerable yet fiery mother tiger when I feel I should be this calm, joyous, healthy, uplifting and nurturing and fit mother that has all the answers. The I should be in a better place set up with my career, my creative skills, business skills, money skills, relationship skills, adulting life skills, body-fitness skills, zen skills. The do lists of wanting to learn every course under the sun around how to be a better mother, wife, business person, creative person, money person, yogi teacher person.
YOU NAME IT. The not-enoughness of it all is paralysing me to the point of insecurity and constant state of lack which makes me feel numb, and overwhelmed with scatterbrains.
The waves of emotion through the first year - heck, the first YEARS of raising an infant into toddler, is one intense ride. Somehow, through these challenges has made me stronger, resilient, and has asked me to really look at my shadow self and still acknowledge those parts of myself that I would otherwise want to hide, like Princess Fiona when turning into an ogress at night, but in this case in the morning.
What I have witnessed is the constant act of learning to be kind to myself, to scale down the length or my self-care practices, and to never undermine the act of taking small bite sized and even baby steps to re-integrating the practices that I once took for granted. During this intense learning and interdependent process will be a constant battle with myself and those closest around around me, as i learn how to step up as a mother-leader yet not be a tiger that is viciously trying to protect her cub. It’s about trusting my inner child and wiser self all at once and being ok to respond in an open vulnerable way with no certainty.
To just remember that any breath work is better than no breath work.
The realisation that having high expectations of myself of how I should or would like to be showing up is only pushing myself into an unworthy dirty sock, and not really embracing all the parts of myself that would otherwise be perfectly imperfect.
This learnt experience of compassion seems to be mirrored through my relationships with my baby, partner and those close around me. This idea that I can read about self-compassion is one thing, yet to truly embody this state is to constantly be in the process of feeling through it from the body-heart-mind state.
What does this all mean?
Dear Terri - You will find strength through the constant act of surrendering yourself to love, curiosity, humility, patients and the presence of a higher power — Universal Life-force, God, Love.